Look elsewhere. It’s not me.
To the men out there…you may have been hooked if you met me when my hair was pink, or rose gold, or some combo in between. You may have been enchanted when you found out my hobbies include painting, seeing improv, writing (and now Burlesque). It may have also been the fact that I have quite a modern family, or that I studied abroad in Asia, or that I love craft beer. Plus, I’m sure my vintage jewelry collection (and retro first name) threw you off.
Whatever it was…you got confused.
I am not actually your manic pixie dream girl.
I get it. Movies and TV have taught you that there is a quirky, Zooey Deschanel-esque love interest out there for you that will turn your mundane life into an eclectic and spontaneous indie-film romance. ((I can just hear the Hall & Oates song playing…wait, is that a ukulele?))
It has been instilled in the average millennial man that a woman is out there, waiting to whisk them off on an adventure – whether it be an aerial yoga class, or cheese tasting tour, or a last minute flight to Rome. She will plan it all. She will show you a whole new world. (shining, shimmering, splendid?)
You would not believe the % of men on Bumble who include “teach me how to salsa” as a MAIN PART of their profile. (Why? Why can’t you learn salsa and teach me? Why can’t we learn together? Ha!)
Now, I am all for having fun, and planning amazing dates with each other, and keeping the excitement alive. But the issue with the MPDG, is that she’s never the protagonist in the story. She’s just there to move the plot along…to help the guy find something deep inside he didn’t realize was there. For him to realize that life is actually worth living. A “dream girl” for a dream life.
Turns out, I am a real person. With real feelings. I have bad days. I get sick (as I write this with only 1 working nostril). I am not here to change your life because I am looking for a partner — someone who has already worked on himself as much as I have.
This woman right here has a career, has been through therapy, and is in life coaching. She has been through trauma and heartbreak.
That shit built character…and not a “character” in your whimsical life story.
As a comedian said recently (I can’t remember who right now), “Don’t you realize your part in the movie of my life?”
I’m the lead in my movie, and I’m willing to be the co-lead with someone else one day…in the Sequel (our faces can even be the same size on the poster!). I am no extra. I am no ingenue. And I’m not your plot device.
On a first date last summer, a guy informed me that he had just moved to Chicago from Australia. He went on… “I don’t know much about the city, and I have pretty much no friends here. What are all the things I should do while I’m here? Can you show me?”
After shaking off the initial allure of that Aussie accent, I promptly told him:
“I am not your tour guide.”
Don’t get me wrong. I love this city. I love talking about this city and showing people around. But that’s not what I’m looking for. I don’t want to be the rose-colored blur in the movie montage of your “year in Chicago” or “late twenties self-discovery period.”
Looking for the real deal over here, thank you very much.
Please keep in mind, I can absolutely be spontaneous and enjoy trying new things. But the reality is that they don’t always go well. I once went four-wheeling on sand dunes in California off of Highway 1 (my first time on one ever), and lost control with the entire ATV falling on top of me at the peak of a 20 ft. dune. Luckily I hulked out (with car-lifting, mom-saving-her-baby-type adrenaline) and threw the vehicle off of me at the last second. I only got like 7 huge bruises all over my body.
That’s life. It’s messy.
Last year, I went roller skating at a Beyonce-themed skate night…broke my wrist.
None of this has ever stopped me from experiencing. Or traveling. Or learning.
But. I’m looking for someone who wants to be there at each step of the way. The highs and the lows. Someone who books the ticket with me to Vietnam, but also hugs me when I have a full-blown panic attack during a visit to the preserved Viet Cong war tunnels (true story). Someone who wants to check out a new speakeasy with me, but is also willing to ditch it after 10 minutes to go home and binge-watch Supernatural. Someone who celebrates my raise at work, and still listens to me vent about capitalism.
Serious inquiries only please.