Who arrrre you? Who Who?


TBH, I’ve done quite a bit of online dating.

Starting all the way “back in the day” I used to have Myspace boyfriends (the kind where you never meet but message every day. Ha). I’ve done OKCupid, answering all the personality questions. I’ve tried Tinder, receiving explicit messages at 4am (no thanks). And more recently, I’ve been on Bumble.

To me, the apps are just another way to meet people. As someone who has met a guy in pretty much every way imaginable (at a bar, through a friend, on a Vegas party bus for some reason?), I have no qualms with trying a new avenue. Plus, isn’t that what all the kids are doing these days anyway?

For those who haven’t heard about Bumble, it’s widely known as the dating app where women message the men first. This was put in place for good reason, as many straight women can attest to the onslaught of horrible opening lines received from men through other apps (from crude to lewd to rude).

But with great power, of starting the conversation, comes great responsibility. And honestly, a bit more choosiness.

Not only do women need to decide if we want to even start the conversation (we have 24 hours to do so after matching with someone — meaning you both “swiped right”), but we have to figure out what to say.

This process has given me greater pause as I review someone’s profile. Are they worth talking to? Are they piquing my interest enough to start the conversation?

And typically, the answer is no.

I’m at a place in life where I’m looking for a partner. Looking for unique, non-basic (#sorrynotsorry) human being that I can share adventures with now, and still do the laundry with one day.

Because of that, my standards are high, and the men I see on dating apps don’t all measure up. But it’s not for the reasons you might think.

Here are the following reasons that I will not talk to you on a dating app. 

  1. You have absolutely nothing written in your About section. Why? Are you not a person? Are you catfishing me? Are you mute?
  2. You have 1 photo. Has no one else taken your picture? What are you hiding? When is this picture from? Do you not have any friends or family members?
  3. Your entire bio is: “Just moved to Chicago. Will you be my tour guide?” Um, no. I will not be your tour guide. I am not here to show you around. I am not here to whisk you off on misadventures, and show you the city. And, as you all know by now, I am no one’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
  4. Your bio explains that you enjoy certain body parts in a woman more than others, using such gems as “Legs man” or “I promise to touch your butt.” Just why?
  5. Your interests only include video games, beer pong, clubbing, and sports. I guess that’s great that you keep busy, but why did you list this? Are you actually looking for a woman..or for a new dude to hang out with? Certainly some women might enjoy some of these things, but you come across as stagnant, immature, and boring to me.
  6. And my personal favorite category: you wrote your bio thinking it made you sound original, but the reality is, it’s borderline copy/pasted from everyone else’s. It’s hilarious how many men just say the same thing over and over again, but they probably think they are unique. Receipts below…
    • “Interests: Fitness, Sports, Travel.” A classic that sets you a part from NO ONE ELSE.  
    • “Tacos and whiskey are life” Another go-to…do guys think this makes them sound exotic? When you all put this, it defeats how whimsical  you originally thought it made you seem. 
    • “Is this how you use the D.E.N.N.I.S. system?” I get it, you’ve seen Always Sunny. Unfortunately, so have all of your peers vying for my attention. Repetitive and lame.
    • Only hobby: “Go [insert favorite sports team]!” I know I’m really picking on sports here, but…are you trying to find a date or a +1 to the next game? Do you envision our dates being in front of the TV? If so, thank you for your honesty, but since I’m not the sportiest of spices. I’ll pass.

What I just can’t understand is why these men wouldn’t want to show off their actual personality. What makes them truly unique. If I’m going to talk to you, I’d like to know you’re something different.

What gets you up in the morning, what brings you peace, what do you do for fun, or how do you stay cultured? It could honestly be as simple as you enjoy running on the Lakefront or you are secretly great at pinball or you love horror movies.

But if all your profile says is the same old, same old, or provides little to no information, then what would I possibly have to talk to you about?

My hypothesis is that it all stems from insecurity and fear of the unknown
. The reason these men don’t put thought into their profiles is that despite signing up for the app, and uploading a photo or two, they aren’t actually confident in putting themselves out there. They are worried what people will think of them.

They are afraid to be vulnerable and show people who they really are…because what if breaking from conformity means sticking your neck out and being rejected? Isn’t it just easier to stay in your comfort zone and stay guarded and not show people who you really are?

But that won’t get you anywhere. No risk, no reward.

What I am looking for is emotional intelligence. Uniqueness. And above all, balance.

A mix of anything and everything. Balance is key. Whether it’s personality traits or interests or zest for one thing or another – balance is quite important. I’m a very introverted extrovert, I love to go out and stay in, I have highs and lows, I am up for active days and afternoons in the museum, and I’m looking for the same. And no, I don’t think that’s very much to ask for.

So in the spirit of transparency and preaching vulnerability, this is a picture of my dating profile.

I am not embarrassed to share. Because it is true to me. It feels authentic.

I own who I am, and want to find someone who wants me too.

Good luck out there. Stay real, people.

Rose Up




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